happy 36th birthday kijuan

with you in mind – from sketchpad (prod brickbeats)
CHECK BACK LATER FOR A LINK
release date: tbd 

a few years back i wrote a song about if i could speak to my wife to be, my unborn child and my deceased cousin. this is a working demo of that song. since i control my music i can leak it if i see fit, i think this is a fitting enough occassion. excuse the poor vocal mix, im more concerned with you hearing the 3rd verse than any other part of the song to be honest.

i wanna say its been roughly 12 years since he passed. i still remember the day i got that phone call like it was yesterday and if you know me you know my memory is shit. regardless tho this guy was the textbook definition of a hero to me. closest thing i ever had to a big brother. he taught me everything i know about pretty much everything. if i didnt learn it direct from his mouth i got it from watching him. 

honestly i woulnt be who i was if it wasnt for kijaun. i have no idea who id be but i know i wouldnt be me. this was the person i wanted to be when i grew up and even tho he wasnt THAT much older than me, he was still that dude in my eyes. that one person on earth who if you aint tryna impress NOBODY else, it was all for them. that was kijuan. he taught me alot.

today my family is probably at his grave placing flowers and telling their favorite stories about him. an since im not around to do that i decided to dedicate this post to my favorite cousin. ive got a million memories/anecdotes but ill save those for some other time and or place. 

a few months back i had a series of pretty vivid dreams where he just kinda showed up and was alive and we would be hanging out at family functions and he was jokin about how he didnt really die, he just took some time off and moved or soemthing. i have very vivid dreams and seeing him and talkin to him felt real, id ask his advice and hed give it. it was enough to get me thru the rough times. i know hes proud of me and sees all the hard work i put into being exactly who i want to be. if there is anything i learned from watching him it was to be yourself and walk your own path.

its been a while since i stopped to talk to him. i used to do it damn near daily but i kinda lost alot of my routines in the shuffle over the past few years. i’ll holler at him soon, probably today when im done typing this entry.