Who am I even rapping for anymore?

I mean yeah ‘fans’ but who are they even at this point? My fanbase is so fragmented that there are ppl who only know are solely into my Twitter account. Let that sink in. People who love my words but only when limited to 240 characters at a time. What a mind fuck.

I guess the short answer is that I’m rapping for myself. Myself being a 45 year old man who forgets more new music than the average person and doesn’t even fully enjoy listening to the genre he primarily creates in. 

Sometimes I think back to the guy who hung out in cyphers or sat in his mom’s basement making really shitty demos and wonder what he’d think if I could just pop my head back in on either one of them to tell them about this part of our creative life. The part where we’ve actually lived out the majority of our dreams and are challenged to come up with new ones. 

So what do I see for myself these days? That’s a good question, one that I ask myself on an almost hourly basis as I make tweaks to my waking life in hopes that I’ll be hit with an ‘a-ha’ moment that never comes. 

There is also a vulnerability that comes with naming dreams and a subsequent responsibility to nurture them. So yeah basically I’m scared to realize new dreams and let myself down but ain’t that just learning? They say only way around is through…

(Editor’s note: I had to stop writing this to go do some random ass rap song about butter for an ad agency)

What was I even talking about before? Oh right, rap and who I do it for. It’s funny how that topic brought me all the way over here but it’s just a meta version of how rap literally brought me into all these other spaces that make me question who the music is ultimately servicing. 

Most of the rapping I do these days is client work and I’m honestly pretty good at that because there is no second guessing. The thing I’ve got to communicate is always clear and the voice in the back of my head that usually keeps me from finishing my own music is a voice in the room that is directly telling me exactly what it wants. 

I guess the answer is still me which doesn’t solve anything about my initial dilemma. Okay, I’m tired of thinking about this for now. 

(Editors note: i don’t have a cogent ending for this. i don’t even know if im using cogent correctly at this point. traveling to/from the recording session for that butter song really took the wind out of my sails and i just want to sit down for a second before i have to venture out into the world again.)

Meh.